I am an outlier.

It seems that all the impossible things happen to me. Or I should say, if it is statistically low for an event to occur; it will happen to me- I am the outlier. I am up late tonight thinking about everything that has happened to me--- even my hair color and eye color was statistically improbable of happening. Both of my parents are brown haired and brown eyed, along with all my siblings. So of course, naturally, I would be blue eyed and blond hair. 1 in 5 girls are molested. Check. Witnessed a murder- Check. Almost got abducted- Check. Getting stage four cancer at 19- incidence rate of 2 per 1000. And then kicking said cancer's ass like a boss! Check. Getting told you will never have children due to the chemo-- then the day they put you in remission you find out you're pregnant... not with one baby... but two! I don't even know what the statistics is on that but that has got to be improbable. And then carrying them to full term, and being extremely healthy doing so. Check. Having a husband get diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia- 1 in 1000 per year. Check. I have decided tonight that if something is statistically improbable--- most likely it will happen to me. Yep, I'm an outlier.

Infertility issues...

We've been trying to get pregnant for about 6 months now. And I think I had an early miscarriage last month. It was so easy with the twins. We tried once... didn't think it would work because I just got done with cancer-- and then bam... pregnant with twins. So easy. I've been doing a lot of reading online about hormonal imbalance.. and I think that's what I have. It would explain my migraines, the fact I can't get pregnant again, my low sex drive, mood swings, etc. I am going to go see my gyno on the 14th so I can't wait to see what they say..and run some tests. I'm just so frustrated. Even though it's been going on 4 years since cancer it still affects my daily life. My body is run down and broken. I get tired easily. I can't work out for long periods of time because I don't have the full capacity of my lungs, my heart runs slower, and now this hormone issue. I just wish things were easy.

Three Years!

Three years ago today I was diagnosed with cancer. And on this day I would like to take a moment to thank all my caregivers and people who helped me get through it. And to count my blessings.
First I would like to thank my wonderful husband who was there every moment with me. Who cooked and cleaned and did everything for me. I would like to thank my wonderful sister Chandra who came out and stayed with me. I really appreciated that and we grew closer together. My mother in law came to so many chemo treatments and sat with me. And bought me smoothies. I am very grateful I had someone to sit by my side while my husband was across the street working. For west main ward for all their kindness and prayers. They brought us so much food, and was there for us. They made our holidays more enjoyable with surprise caroling and a christmas tree and presents- and I am not sure if this was them or not-- but someone left us random money at our door. Speaking of money- I am thankful for everyone who sent us money. We had just gotten married and received so many presents and then right after that a lot of the same people sent us more money. It really helped us get through it financially. Many times we couldnt even pay our bills and then we would get a check in the mail that was enough to pay our bills and pay for medicine. I am thankful for all my inlaws--- melissa, sharon, grandma sharon, bobby, chuck, maggie, jc, thomas, jon senior, they all were there for me in my time of need and accepted me into their family. I am very thankful for my mother who also came out to be with me. She cooked and cleaned everyday she was here. And she helped us buy our car. I would like to thank all the kind nurses and doctors. I would like to thank Sister Hymus- she prayed for me three times a day-- and gave me a make over and bought me new glasses.

I am thankful for all the many blessings I received. Mainly for my two lovely daughters. I know they were a direct blessing from the cancer. If I left anyone out I am sorry. I am thankful for everyone who helped me get through this. I am thankful to have survived and to still be in remission! Thanks for all the support!

Bless trials-- a paper I wrote

Kristen Linford
English 201 Section 27
July 21, 2010

Blessed Trials

             A song comes to mind when I think of trials, “I am a man of constant sorrow, I’ve seen trouble all my day.” (Burnett, 1913) Sometimes in the depths of our trials we want to shout this song to let everyone know how bad we have it. But the truth of the matter, someone out there has it worse than you. Trials are inevitable. We will all go through them. So why do we drown ourselves in self pity? I discovered the answer through Quentin L. Cook when he wrote this, “…many of the trials and hardships we encounter in life are severe… they cause significant pain and suffering for individuals and those who love them.” (Cook, 2008) Trials cause suffering and it hurts. In the moment, it feels as though no one else experiences something harder than our own individual trial. Is there nothing we can do but wallow in our despair and just wait for it to pass? Miley Cyrus’ inspirational song triumphantly roars, “There’s always going to be another mountain. I’m always gonna wanna make it move. Always gonna be an uphill battle sometimes I’m gonna have to lose. Ain’t about how fast I get there, ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side; it’s the climb.” (Alexander, 2009) David L. Ward seconds the notion that we want to make our mountains move by saying, “When problems arise, as they always will, we, therefore, try to avoid them .” (Ward, 2006, p. #2) We can’t easily move mountains or solve problems by avoiding them.
                I, like everyone else, have had some really hard times. I was diagnosed with an aggressive, fast growing, cancer. It was at stage four when we discovered it. My right lung had been collapsed for several months without my knowledge. The tumor in my chest was massive and was threatening to collapse my other lung and had moved my heart. If I had not discovered this thing in me any sooner, I would have surely died.
Not only was my life at stake, which is a hard trial in itself, but, I was a newlywed, only three weeks into our blissful marriage. The emotional strain that was put on our new relationship was unbearable. One thing that was a strain was that we lived in the hospital for the first month of our marriage. This disease destroyed our chance to enjoy the beginnings of our eternal path together. Not only did it affect my new relationship but it threatened my motherhood. The chances of having a family were slim. That’s all I ever wanted was to be a mother and wife. And at that moment I couldn’t be either.
                    I still remember the little room I sat in, when a stranger spoke these words, “Kristen, you have cancer.” I could have thought a million things, I could have been angry and cried. However, my first thought was, “Don’t murmur.” As bad as everything was, I knew I would survive and that something good would come from this. After all, Polanyi says, “…beautiful problems, [bring] promising beautiful solutions.” (Polanyi, 1959). This had the potential to be a beautiful problem, as long as I allowed it to be. I had to find the beautiful solutions that came from it.
                  My first day in chemo treatment, I sat next to a woman named, Laurie Brown. She sat there knitting a scarf with a huge smile on her face. We chatted like old friends. She was unbelievably happy that her brilliance out shined the sun. After our encounter, I found out that she was terminal. She had it so much worse than me because I was going to survive and she would spend the rest of her life in treatment until she ceased to live. I believe that she has heard the words of M. Scott Peck, “Once we truly know that life is difficult- once we truly understand and accept it- then life is no longer difficult.” (Peck, 1978). Her life was difficult, but she chose to accept it. Now, she lives happily despite her inescapable fate. And she taught me this lesson: embrace life.
              Cancer has been the biggest blessing in my life. Your trial that you are going through can also be the greatest blessing in your life, if you allow it. Peck relates about trials and tribulations, that they are:
…. depending upon their nature, evoke in us frustration or grief or sadness or loneliness or guilt or regret or anger or fear or anxiety or anguish or despair. These are uncomfortable feelings, often very uncomfortable, often as painful as any kind of physical pain, sometimes equaling the very worst kind of physical pain. (Peck, 1978)Then a Brigham Young University- Idaho student eloquently continued on Peck’s quotation saying,
And it is because of this pain that we find these problems unattractive. But, if we could see the beauty of these problems, we might not be so torn up by them. Once we recognize that our problems make us stronger, we then can begin to grow and to change ourselves through these “unwanted” problems. (Smith, 2010) After all, problems are unwanted and unattractive, but do make us stronger. In David L. Ward’s English class, he teaches that there is opposition in everything. Dieter F. Uchtdorf reiterates this by stating:
…Adversity teaches us things we cannot learn otherwise. Adversity helps to develop a depth of character that comes in no other way. Our loving Heavenly Father has set us in a world filled with challenges and trials so that we, through opposition, can learn wisdom, become stronger, and experience joy. (Uchtdorf, 2010.)              Our trials are just the opposition of our joys. We could not truly enjoy smiles if we never frowned. While in our sufferings we must remember that it is a blessing to suffer so we can truly know our joys.
It’s hard enough to go through trials and tribulations on your own. I believe it’s even harder to go through them while other people are watching. During our first Sunday as a married couple, newly diagnosed, the Bishop had made a regrettable announcement over the pulpit. “Kristen Linford has cancer.” All eyes stared at me. They knew that I was the girl he spoke of. After all I was the one with the big oxygen tank lugging behind me and an enormous medicine mask covering my face. After his little announcement about my illness, everyone came up to me and wondered how the cancer was. Soon people started bringing food and praying for me. One lady told me she prayed for me three times a day, everyday. I felt as though I was a service project in which they,“…let … thy left hand know what thy right hand doeth.” (Matthew 6:3) No one remembered my name or asked about me, just asked about the cancer. They prayed for me, I am sure, but then they stood on a hill boasting about their prayers. I was going through Hell and felt as though people only cared about doing service to get into Heaven and I was the means of which they would succeed. I developed problems with my religious peers and grew to frown upon them.
            I learned that we look at these faults that other people have and they make us bitter to the core. So is our happiness then depended entirely on the characters of others? C.S. Lewis says, “…even if all external things went right, real happiness would still depend on the character of the people you have to live with- and that you can’t alter their characters.” (Lewis, 1948). How many times I have wanted to tell people not to pray for me, to not use me to get to Heaven. But no matter how hard I could try, I would never be able to change the way they are. Lewis implements that we must not look at others but look at our own faults. Our character is the only thing that we can change, and then we can make our happiness depend on that. I realized that these people, who were either insincere or sincere in their convictions, were just trying to help. I needed to stop being bitter and accept their service regardless of their motives. Once, we stop focusing on their character and accept them, then we can be happy. This makes the trial that we’re going through a lot easier to handle.

 It is far too easy to shift the blame of our trials to someone else, specifically God. It seems to me that when one goes through challenging times a common question is always asked, “Why me, God?” Most people believe that if God is so great and powerful then why does he allow us to suffer. I believe He allows the suffering so we can grow, so we can know the opposition. However, we must allow the suffering to teach us as Mrs. Lindbergh puts it, “I do not believe that sheer suffering teaches. If suffering alone taught, all the world would be wise, since everyone suffers. To suffering must be added mourning, understanding, patience, love, openness, and the willingness to remain vulnerable.”(Lindbergh, 1973, pp 35) God allows nature to take it’s course so we can become better. However, some do not think this and then become angry with Him and begin to question him. Our negative perspective then destroys a perfectly healthy relationship.

               I never asked why I had to be the one to get cancer. However, my relationship was destroyed because I was unable to see His presence while I was suffering. I believed He had left me and I did not know why. I only saw one set of footprints in the sand, so to speak. After months of agony and loneliness, I finally heard Christ say, "The times when you have seen only one set of footprints, is when I carried you." (Slade, 1871.) Christ does not leave in our times of suffering. He is there holding us up. We need to realize this or else we are doomed to have a miserable relationship with Him. Although, no matter what we do, He will still love us. Love is the answer to all problems. A famous quote from a movie comes to mind, “The greatest thing you’ll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.” (Lluhrmann, 2001). We must love our trials, and love our neighbors, and love other people’s faults, and especially love our God. Love really solves it all. Dieter F. Uchtdorf explains it best:           
Love is the power that initiates friendship, tolerance, civility, and respect. It is the source that overcomes divisiveness and hate. Love is the fire that warms our lives with unparalleled joy and divine hope. Love should be our walk and our talk.
When we truly understand what it means to love as Jesus Christ loves us, the confusion clears and our priorities align. Our walk as disciples of Christ becomes more joyful. Our lives take on new meaning. Our relationship with our Heavenly Father becomes more profound. Obedience becomes a joy rather than a burden. (Uchtdorf, 2010.)                Love conquers all. If you walk and talk with love, all your problems and trials will seem insignificant and you will be blessed with happiness and joy. I believe that his statement is concluding that your burdens will be made light if you learn to love.
              Earlier I mentioned how cancer was the greatest blessing of my life. And I would like to tell you what marvelous things came from it in hopes that you will see that with the bad, comes the good. And it will inspire you to find the blessings in your trials.
              Firstly, my anti-Mormon sister who had just quit talking to me because of my marriage, flew out to be with me. While she was here she saw how good it was that I was married and that he was such a great guy. Before she left she made the statement, “I am so glad that you got married and you have a family to help you get through this.” After that she never hassled me again for getting married. I would have suffered cancer just for this to happen.
             Secondly, for the first time in eight long years, my father contacted me. That might seem insignificant to you, but my father does not pick up the phone and make contact. On one occasion I recall sending him a pen, paper, envelopes, and stamps. I did this so he would have all the things to write me a letter. I never heard from him. It took me to be on my death bed for him to notice me. Now, we talk regularly and are reconnecting.
            Thirdly, I gave birth to twin girls five months ago. I whole-heartedly believe that these twin girls were a direct blessing from cancer. The day I found out I was cancer free, I found out I was three months pregnant with them. Twins do not run in either of our families. I don’t want to give too much detail, but the cancer had ceased my reproductive system and then once I was cured it had started back up again. I believe that because I went so long without it I produced more and that’s why I had twins. It’s all thanks to cancer for why I have these two gorgeous girls.
         Lastly, I grew up from this immature, inexperienced girl, to a wonderful young woman who is courageous, strong and undefeatable. Also, my husband and I fit 50 years of marriage into 1 year. We grew so close and really got to know each other because of it. Cancer deepened our love for each other.
           Only when we learn to love the trial that we are thrusted into, then we can overcome that unwanted trial and find the good from it. For instance, if I had not learned to love my trial, I would then be blinded to all the good that came from it, and then be a miserable old hag. Our goal in life is to be happy, and loving is the means by which we arrive to our happiness. I encourage you to go forth to walk and talk with love so that your burdens may be light and you may enjoy a blessed trial.

My husband......

I found this essay that I wrote about Jon--- thought I would share it :)
　

Eng 201 Sec 27

Brother Ward

May 28^th 2010

In class we have talked about how there are several models in our lives. These models keep us in a box. We have to break these models to truly be happy and to truly learn and progress.
In my youth I was always told what I should expect to find in my eternal companion. You know the list: RM, Eagle Scout, strong testimony, active in the church, worthy priesthood holder, and so forth. In Young Women’s we always had to write a list down about what we wanted in our eternal companion. They told me what my list should be- what qualities would make me happy. This list became a model to me. I wanted my husband to be all those things and that was very unrealistic. When I came to school here at BYU-I I started dating a lot. These guys fit the profile of what my list was but they were nothing that I wanted. They were too weird or too “friendly”. I was kind of frustrated that they met my list of A, B and C but they were not what I wanted. How could they fit the list but not make me happy? I was told this is what would make me happy.
I met my husband at work. Something about him captured my eye. I sat next to him and talked to him. I soon found out that he wasn’t anything that was on my list. He was currently living in his mom’s basement, didn’t have a license, no education, hadn’t served a mission, didn’t go to Church, was in trouble with the law, and he was even kind of scary looking, but he was an Eagle Scout. However, I could see his potential. I saw the light of Christ in his eyes. If I could just help him to reach his potential he’d be a 20 out of 10. Even though he wasn’t my list at that moment, there were still qualities on that list that I couldn’t do without. For instance, if my husband never came back to church I couldn’t have married him. He turned his life around and we were married in the Temple. If I had just looked for the guy that fit the list, I never would have considered my husband. One thing that was on my list is that he must be a dancer. I almost married a dancer. My husband is definitely not a dancer and thank goodness! After two years of marriage and observing guys who dance… well let’s just say I didn’t want a dancer. I wanted my husband. I was so right about his potential. He has grown so much and changed so much. I’m glad I left my model behind and got a new one. Because I love my husband and he is everything I ever wanted and didn’t even know it.
　

Kinda cheesy-- I know. We've been through so much in our short marriage--- it makes us stronger. (Even though we still fight like cats and dogs... we're working on that lol). I truly love him- he's my best friend.

                                                                   i love you babe.

Hello Las Cruces!

So we have moved to Las Cruces, NM! (A few months ago)

And... I LOVE IT! I do miss my family terribly. But everything is working great out here. Jons business is really picking up. The girls get bored sometimes and go crazy... which makes me go crazy lol. Theyre stuck in this house a lot of the time because we both work and are too tired. So today since we both dont work today... we took them to the park to run around. They had so much fun! And there was a blow up jumpy thingy and the guy said the girls could go in there to jump. That was sweet. They really wanted to go into the pond. Olivia was very persistant. Then is rained on us and we had to leave. But it was a good day. 

Wished I took pictures.

Twins.

It seems that all I say now is, "No. Get down." I am constantly taking them off the couch. Its all I do. The second I turn my back .... there they go! Its very frustrating. Because I just want to enjoy them and not discpline them all the time. We have everything blocked off and what not... even turned the couch around. But all they do is still get into trouble. And it seems constant because theres two of them. One will do it. I take her down then as soon as I do that the other one does the same thing and i have to take her down adn then the first one does it again... I love them... but any suggestions from twin parents????? How do you teach them to listen? (granted they are only 17 months) Or... when does this stage pass? When will they just sit there and not want to climb everything?