I was married in October 2008.
It was a happy day despite my illness.
Before that day I was sick for several months. Almost died a couple of times. The doctors would say, "You're just stressed out, there's nothing wrong."
Boy, were they wrong.
This picture was taken just three weeks after my wedding. An 11 centimeter tumor was in my chest. My right lung had been collapsed for several months previously, and was threatening to collapse my left lung as well.
I was dying.
I have never felt more helpless. Alot of people don't know the story of that day when I was diagnosed with cancer. My mother-in-law pushed me to go to the doctors. I kept refusing to go because we didn't have insurance and they just kept telling me it was all in my head, that I wasn't sick. I didn't want to pay anymore money to the doctors just for them to tell me useless information. So I went in for a routine pap smear. That's when she noticed that one of my lungs had no sound. She told me to immediately go get an X-ray. (Because they didn't have an x-ray machine in their office.) So we went to the hospital, and because of my lack of insurance they made us pay up front a hundred dollars. And then proceeded to tell us that an x-ray costs 700 dollars total. I thought, well that's ridiculous, they aren't going to find anything anyway, so let's go to the health center cause I know it's only going to be 40 dollars. They closed in five minutes and our ride had left us at the hospital. So we proceeded to walk. We didn't make it in time. So the next morning I made an appointment. No one came with me. Which at the time I thought was fine. Because usually you get a test done and go home, you never get the results. I didn't think it was going to be a big deal. After I got scanned, they put me back in the room, which I thought was weird. No one ever did that before. So I sat there, waiting, and waiting,....... and waiting. Nurses then came in, with masks on, and told me to wear one too. No one would tell me what was going on and they kept asking me weird questions, like if I ever left the country. They wouldn't tell me what was going on. I was alone and helpless and totally clueless. I was scared. I have never been so alone and so scared in my life. Finally, a doctor came in, he said that it might be pneumonia, but we're gonna send you to the hospital to get a CT scan to rule out cancer.
Cancer?
I haver never known anyone with cancer, or even really knew much about it.
Finally, hours later, I was let free, only for moment, to go get another scan. I went to my car and picked up my phone. I called my husband and told him to come to the hospital immediately, I was getting a CT scan to rule out cancer. Luckily, he worked at Mcdonalds and they let him go. He had to borrow someones car to get to the hospital. I got the scan and then was put into another small room. Where we waited together. It was late in the evening by now, like 9:48. That's when the oncologist came in and said:
"Kristen, you have cancer."
My first thought was, "Don't ask God why me. Things happen for a reason."
I tried very hard to be positive and upbeat. And I was. Cancer was hard, it was painful, it was not a good way to start a marriage. We grew alot. And we love each other so much more because of it. But I lost my testimony of the Church. I have never admitted this before to anyone besides my husband. I knew the Church was true, I could never say it wasn't. But my testimony was not strong, it was like I didn't want to believe. I was all alone, I turned on God. I started criticizing people and their efforts to serve me. When people told me they prayed for me, I wanted to tell them to shove it. I felt like I was a service project. That no one cared about me, only about themselves and them getting into heaven. I had no real friends besides my husband. My friends that I did have, it was now awkward to talk to them. What do you say to someone who just found out they have cancer? They didn't know what to say. And there was nothing right to say. But I just needed a friend to talk to, to hang out with, to laugh with. Don't get me wrong, my husband was there to do that all. But selfish little me, I wanted more.
I lost my friends. I lost my personality. I lost my beliefs. I lost my courage. I lost my laughter.
Don't get me wrong, the above is all that was negative about cancer. Cancer, in my opinion, was the greatest blessing in my life. It took me to hit rock bottom, to shake my faith, to destroy who I was, for me to realize who I am.
I am a Daughter of God.
